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  • Writer's pictureSis

20 years ago.....(Anonymous)

Not even sure where to belong, I’m actually from the UK and your insta page gives me so much hope. I met my ‘partner’ at the age of 15; so 20 years ago. He was my knight in shining armor soon to become my worst nightmare although we was never official in the beginning. I fell pregnant at 18; was just about to start university, a whole new chapter. I called my ‘partner’ on the phone, crying, saying I just found out I was pregnant. He said he was coming to see me. He never turned up. Months went by and my belly started to show and I guess it got back to him. 7 months pregnant and all of a sudden it turned into I never told him I was pregnant and he was going to kick the baby out of me. I then found out he had a girlfriend who too hurled nothing but abuse at me. I forgave him, after all he was the father to my son. When I was in labour he was on the phone to his girlfriend, when my son was 4 weeks old, he handed my son over to his girlfriend in front of me like I didn’t exist. He used to hold my son and say things like ‘are you mummy’s new handbag’. He used to turn up at my house unannounced and get angry if I wasn’t in. He even threatened to kill me. I couldn’t handle anymore and I cut contact. Eventually I received a court letter stating he wanted contact. I was not opposed to contact, I just didn’t want to endure any more abuse.

The court date arrived and there he was with a new girlfriend who was sitting there rubbing her belly; her way of telling me she is pregnant. The judge ordered contact in a contact center. As time went on, we moved away from the contact center to making arrangements ourselves.

Eventually that contact led us to talking and somehow, I fell for the charm all over again. I hoped we went through all of that because he was young and he had matured, acknowledging he had made mistakes. 5 years later, I fall pregnant again with baby #2. 2 weeks later, he tells me that his ‘ex girlfriend’ (the one from court) is pregnant also, although he had told me they had been broken up and it was a one off. My second baby has a sibling 2 weeks younger than her. He promised me that I was the one he loved, he’d always loved, the one he wanted to be with.

We started an official relationship but all the signs of cheating was there. His phone went everywhere, even to the bathroom, he was barely home and would stay out all night. We’d fight and he’d hit me. Always crying, apologizing after. I then found a key with a photo of him and another woman. I tracked the woman down and she claimed he was in a relationship with her, they’d gone on holiday etc. He told her I was mad but told me she was mad. Of course I believed him, how could he be in a relationship with her? It wasn’t possible of him to lead a double life. Silly stupid me.

I fell pregnant with my 3rd baby and still the cheating continued. I was extremely sick in that pregnancy and he’d rather party than help me look after the children. He was also helping his other children’s mum, taking them to school and picking them up. I noticed she was buying him clothes etc. I found out he was staying at her house so of course Intuition said something was going on but as always I was paranoid and he was sleeping on the sofa.

Only a year later I found out I was pregnant with my 4th baby. By this time I was no longer in love with him. We argued and I broke up with him. He continued to bombard me with messages saying he loves me and misses me. I then found out he was seeing another woman who he told me nothing was going on with. I ended up messaging her and she showed me screen shots where he lied to her, again, saying I was mad, he told her I was unstable, he was only with me for so long because I was a bad mum etc. I also found out he was a swinger and was on a swingers website with pictures of his private parts. He also had ‘recommendations’ from other women! He had been in relationships with other women for years. Playing ‘dad’ to their children. He was disrespecting me to these women saying I’m trying to trap him and I’m desperate, he’s only around me as I’m lazy and even took it as far as to say he doesn’t like my children as they take after me! I saw all the screenshots.

In shock, I tried to take a stand and I gave birth to baby #4 alone. I decided I did not want him to be there as he spoilt my previous experiences. I called him after I gave birth and he turned up angry but did not make a scene. I stopped sleeping with him and said we need to set some boundaries. He could see the children but he needed to stop turning up when he wanted and late at night. I was ignored and he continued to turn up as he pleased. My last son was 5 months old when I found out his ‘ex’ was once again pregnant which he swears was a one night stand.

As I tirelessly once again tried to explain that he should take the children every other weekend, that turned into I’m sleeping with other men and I received a swollen lip and black eye whilst my 6 month old son was laying next to me. Only a week later, I was holding my son and another argument broke out and he shoved me into the wardrobe and I banged my head and ended up with a deep cut across my jaw. Again, he was on his knees crying, apologizing. I don’t know how but we ended up having sex. Now I’m pregnant but I’m booked for a termination. I can’t have another baby by this man. I can’t bring another child into this world by a man who cares more about his own needs than his children. I need to escape and it’ll be harder with another baby. I don’t have any family and very few friends. Now I’m back to square one with him coming round acting like he lives here. I want to escape so badly but I don’t even know where to start. I feel so isolated, scared and alone. Sometimes I don’t even want to be here. I hate myself for allowing my babies to watch their mum be a weak excuse of a woman. I hate myself for having them exposed to this. I feel so deflated and worthless. This is just a snippet of the things I’ve been through. I would be here for days going through 20yrs worth of history. I’ve tried counseling 4 times, none which has worked. I don’t want to be in this situation anymore. I want to be free. I want to be happy.

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