• Sis

Absolute nightmare(Anonymous)

from trying to recover from one divorce with a young child on my plate I ended up in the arms of a narcissist psychopath.

He promised to love and honour me as our Nikkah (religious wedding vows) were performed under Islamic sharia Law. Little was I know to know what was ahead of me and what the true intentions were of the man I loved who was also my best friend.

My identity, my self respect, my morals, my safety was all lost in the hands of this person I believed loved me. What was meant to be a new start of life with new hopes and dreams turned into an absolute nightmare. After my first divorce i got with the love of my life and waited for him to bring his family down to ask for my hand in marriage.

Speak to your parents now it’s time. I told him as several months had passed. Yeah yeah I’m working on it he kept telling me. More months passed and still there was no sign of his parents coming to see my parents. My son was growing up quickly and I wanted to be married to (S) now in all the right ways religiously as my son was growing very fond of him too. It came to a point where I started to feel something wasn't right and started to keep watch on (S). I never was interested in social media but now I took interest as S was always on it. I noticed on his f-book pictures of a child. Whose this I asked him casually. Oh it’s my cousins son he likes to always come down and play. The pictures of this child really bothered me strangely his features were similar to (S). I thought maybe I’m looking too deep into it and left it there for a short while. It had been a year now since my divorce and still there was no progress in meeting (S's) family. My suspicions started coming back that something wasn't right and again I started to look around on social media. I got in touch with one if (S's) cousins who he had fallen out with and managed to find out from him who the kid was in the pictures. It was (S’s) son. I was absolutely horrified. He never ever told me he had a son so I assumed he must have a wife too. I further questioned his cousin and he confirmed yes my cousin is married that’s his kid. I confronted S one evening and he lied straight to my face denying the whole thing and crying that he loves me and it’s not what I think. Only after i put his father in laws address down in front of him he admitted the truth. I remember slapping him in anger. I cried and couldn’t believe it and shouted and screamed at him that why would he say he would marry me and hide the fact that his already married with a child. He begged and cried I eventually listened. His sorry went along the lines of my father forced me into an arrange marriage at the age of 19. I wasn't happy but couldn’t say no to my father now me and my wife hate each other but just live under one roof because of culture and family. I didn't want to lose you, he kept crying I love you too much I finally found happiness with you I’m sorry I kept this from you. After long hard thinking I told him to leave and never look back. I broke completely thinking what on earth had my life turned into. I shut the doors on (S) I tried to deal with my sons custody battle which was ongoing. The stress was getting the worse of me. My relationships with my family had broken down as they felt humiliated by my divorce because no one had gone through a divorce in my entire family's history. A month later I had knock on the door. It was (S). On his knees he begged me that I let him help me as a friend because he felt bad about everything. I still loved him and cried in his arms, I was so tired from the court cases I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I had never been court in my life frightened and scared I accepted his help as I knew (S) his stuff and had contacts with high profile people. I strictly kept it friendship and didn't even want to listen to anything else. One day he started again convincing me he loves me and cant live without me and that he has absolutely no relationship with his wife and that shes just there to keep the peace between his families. Me being an emotional naive wreck wanted to believe him but I still doubted it so I bought the holy Quran out. Put your hand on this and swear to me what you are saying is the truth because I will never break up another woman’s home I told him. I thought no matter what he could never lie touching the holy Quran and take such a sin on him. He placed his hand without hesitation on the Quran and convinced me that he wasn't lying. I believed him once again and we got back together but I put an ultimatum in front of him. Marry me the right way religiously or walk away, the balls in your court but I will not keep any other relationship with you. I didn't not want to be a sinner in the eyes of God. I will marry you he said. I love you too much to lose you now but I cant divorce my first wife he said because the family's will end up in war. She is happy with the living arrangements and we have an understanding. I will convince my parents too and believe with time they will come round as nothing is more important than my happiness. I thought ok, I don't need to cause any stress if they are happy with their arrangement and his touched the holy Quran and promised me. Also by Sharia Islamic law your allowed to have two wives. I fell so deeply in what only he knew he was doing and why he was doing it, but what lay ahead of me I could never have comprehended. We got married by sharia law and my family was totally against it. I assumed they were just being controlling and not that they had helped me when I went through my first divorce. I was left to suffer and pick up the pieces alone. He will make you cry blood tears were my fathers words. Mark my words I see the devil in him, he is not good for you. I thought my dad was being very spiteful now and I argued I’m a grown woman, I’m a mother I can make my decisions now dad. I wish I had listened back then. My father disowned me, my brothers disowned me. By this time my mother had passed away, I was completely alone and had no one but (S) standing there showering me in love and promising me a future that I had craved for. He never lived with me. I'l start slowly let me get my parents use to the idea he would say, I don't want to upset them. I never said anything and thought give him time it will all fall Into place. I was happy and got on with my life he came home several times in the week and it became norm. After our first anniversary one day i got phone call from my best mate saying look at f-book. She constantly screamed down the phone look at your husbands f-book. I quickly went online thinking something happened to him as he was out the country for work purposes but I read comment after comment congratulations on the birth of your son! I nearly collapsed to the floor. What son? Whose son? I’m not pregnant I thought. The messages spun in front of my eyes. It hit me, his first wife had the child. My whole life flashed before me. He lied I repeatedly told myself. He touched the holy Quran and lied . I boiled with anger and got my friends together the next day and I drove to his parents house to see if this was actually true and what they actually knew about me. I hadn’t heard from (S) at all even though I messaged him a thousand messages saying we need to talk. his parents confirmed yes the baby story was true. They had absolutely no knowledge about me and thought I came to frame their son and confirmed their son was happily married and this was his 3rd kid never mind the 2nd. Either way his family behaved very inappropriately with me blaming me for trying to break their beloved son's happy house only when I showed them our marriage certificate and wedding pictures the abuse calmed a little but still I was told to get the f**off their drive as they have only one daughter in law and don't care who I am and accused me of having a bad upbringing. I walked away and waited for him to return home fuming, how dare his family speak to me like that when it’s their son who lied to everyone. I cried and cried thinking what do I do. I’m obviously bound with him religiously, I cant leave him within one year of marrying him people will laugh at me for going through a second divorce. I was confused as hell but I knew I couldn’t deal with this. I had lost my family where was I going to go. He eventually came back and once again lied and lied to get out of it. He knew he was caught out and nothing was going to work now. I was devastated by this stage. I didn't want to hear anything because now I was actually stuck in a polygamous marriage. I was actually his second wife. The thought of him sleeping with both of us made me sick to the stomach but what hurt more was we was actually trying for a baby. When he realised his lies were not going to work anymore his nasty side came out. Get over it! You couldn’t give me a child and technically shes still my wife. I stood with tears down my face asking why did you marry me if you was happily married and with kids. Why did you keep coming back? Because your mine he replied I love you. Just because i have babies with her don't mean i don't love you. What kind of love was this I thought in my head. Instead of being sorry he screamed and shouted at me for going to his parents house. From then on wards the abuse started. His real face started to show. I couldn’t leave I would be humiliated in society if I did. I tried to deal with it in my head and pretend it doesn't exist. It broke me as I watched him play happy family's with his first family. He would make it obvious and rub in in my face he was going out with them to make me jealous. I had to deal with 3 kids and a wife in my head that I never knew existed. It played a toll on my health. I went through severe depression, we constantly argued.. I even came to the point of wanting to commit suicide to get out of it. I stopped myself one day with a handful of paracetamol. He quickly rang the ambulance after hearing my slurring speech on the phone but when the ambulance came I watched he told them his my friend and not my husband. I listened as he lied to the paramedics and said I stopped myself because I was stressed over my sons biological father and our custody battle which was a completely lie. He whispered in my ear, keep your mouth shut they will take your kid away and say your an unfit mother. I stayed quiet and let him do the talking. I will follow in my car he told the paramedics. He never followed and left me in hospital all by myself as his work was more important. I was observed for few hours and had no symptoms but drowsiness they discharged me. He picked me up and bought me home, we didnt speak much in the car but on the way i felt this horrible pain in my stomach. Stop the car I screamed I was going to be sick. He shouted and screamed at me to hold it in I couldn’t. Soon as the car stopped I crawled out and did sick everywhere. We got into the house and he watched as I screamed in pain, now the paracetamol side effects were kicking in. The pain was unbearable and with each cramp I was sick. Look after yourself I have to go was his response and he walked out the door while I screamed in pain and begged him not to leave. I suffered in agony for ages until the cramps and sickness calmed down and I fell asleep. Never again I told myself sobbing. If something happens to me what will happen to my son I thought. After that incident I accepted it in my head what my situation was. As long as I kept my mouth shut he was happy. Every now and then the argument would start again about his kid. One day it escalated and we started shouting at each other. Our relationship had become very toxic and to calm him down I threw a glass of water on him I had in my hand thinking maybe he would laugh. That was the biggest mistake of my life. Before I could even react I had his fist in my face, I was slammed to the floor, kicked repeatedly and I just recall him screaming stay down! Your a woman. Stay on the floor! Don't ever challenge me and forget that I’m your husband. I stayed down in fear crying thinking what on earth just happened. That was the first time ever he laid hands on me. He stormed out the house and didn't come for days and neither did I speak or tell anyone about it. That was when I should’ve walked out this marriage but i didn't have the courage to at all. I had lost my confidence and will to live. He came home after a week and sat in front of me apologising that he didn't mean to hit me and couldn’t believe what he had done and was extremely ashamed. I listened quietly and didn't react. It was like I had become numb to the pain and knew this is how it will be from now on. He will keep hurting me physically, emotionally and mentally. The shame of another divorce made me stick with it. I quietly dealt with whatever was thrown at me after that. I tried to avoid any arguments and eventually things started to settle.he still controlled everything, where I went , who I met, when I went out when I came home even though he never lived with me. I financed the house by myself and only when I’d beg and say I need some money he would dump 50-90 quid in front of me once in a blue moon and say that’s all I have when he owned his own business. I had no access to his money. That was for his first family. I would cry continuously to myself or on my prayer mat to God thinking how did he become so horrible, why does he treat me like this, can he not see what he is doing to me. I prayed every day hoping he would see sense and realise his behaviour was not right morally or religiously. Our 4th anniversary went by and by this time I had given up my character and just did whatever pleased him. One day he came home and yelled I want a divorce. I just looked at him thinking his messing around. But no he was serious. I had no one but my sisters who I called to talk to him. His eyes full of hate he just stood there screaming I want a divorce I’m not happy I want to get out this marriage. She cant even give me a baby. I stood there and watched his bizarre behaviour with tears down my face. He said what he had to and walked out humiliating me. I got some friends on the case and told them find out what’s going on with him. Within days I was shown evidence he was having an affair. I tried to confront him and that’s when his evil cold side came out again and he yelled divorce at me in the shariah manner that can dissolve an Islamic marriage over the phone. I begged, I cried telling him take your words back this isn't right he put the phone down and blocked me from every angle and went ghost on me. He abandoned me just like that. I couldn’t believe it. Several times I went to his hometown and to his workplace and tried to talk to him. I begged him, I cried, I put my hands together for him not to humiliate me like this in our Asian, Muslim society. I even grabbed his feet and begged I was so desperate and broken by this point. It meant nothing to him. He would simply push and shove me and tell me to go back home. Eventually my best friend got through to him and asked him to come home so we could chat and maybe resolve things before the divorce gets finalised. He agreed after 2 whole months of shutting me out. He came and accused me of all sorts. I wasn't a good wife, I didn't look after him, he wasn't happy. My friend stared in horror at him because she knew everything he had put me through and still he had the nerve to say he wasn't happy. he admitted his affair. Said it was a long time ago and there was nothing now, his stories kept changing but I could see this was not the man I married or the friend I once had. He didn't care how he hurt me. Eventually he agreed to take his words of divorce back as per shariah law and promised he would fix our relationship after his trip to Saudi Arabia the most holiest city for Muslims. He went abroad and promised me, I will fix this I’m standing in the holy mosque I love you i'll be back and I’m sorry for everything. Please forgive me. I listened and felt a ray of hope that maybe his seen some sense and repented for his sins. I waited for him to come back eagerly. But wen he did he was ice cold. His behaviour was still weird. He wasn't happy to see , he was physically in front of me but his mind elsewhere. After a few days I noticed on his social media accounts someone had sent him loads of gifts at work and he wrote quite clearly thank you to the love of my life. Then i noticed the woman everyone was telling me he was having an affair with was attending an event of his at work. I flipped, i rang him up and absolutely flipped. I got just one response divorce divorce divorce as per shariah law he initiated the divorce again. I sat back down and couldn’t handle anymore I knew it was over. After few days of absorbing everything I decided to finish the matter of completely. I went to his work in the next town. He knew I was coming, strange enough all the workers were gone. There wasn't a single soul at this taxi base but him. It quickly escalated into an argument. I took my wedding ring off and threw it in his face as he laughed about his affair. Before I knew it, he locked the doors picked me up and slammed me to the floor and went absolutely psycho on me. I hit the floor so hard I saw stars, I hit my head and neck and spine. I felt my heart bounce in my chest and thought I’m going to die. I lay there in agony with my head and neck as he continued to kick me, slap me, and even pulled my hijab off my head and pulled my hair. He yelled in my face as I saw stars . I tried to get up off the floor and get out but each time he grabbed me and slammed me back to the floor. If the phones didn't ring he would of killed me. I was unable to get up at this point because of my head injury. I recall him grabbing me and fling me into a chair. Why do you make me angry he kept screaming. The phone rang again, that’s it I made a run for it holding my head. I ran for my life and got out that building, into my car and how on earth i drove in the dark for half an hour with the agony in my head and neck only gods knows but i made it home. I didn't tell anyone and went to bed crying. The next day I silently went to work limping and with a massive headache and lump on my head. Next thing I know within minutes of standing in the team brief I collapsed to the floor and turned unresponsive. I woke up to a team of paramedics around me asking me what on earth happened. I had to tell them the truth then. I was taken into hospital on a stretcher strapped in so I couldn’t move my head or neck as they suspected I could have spinal damage. Luckily I was discharged after many tests with severe concussion from the hit to the floor and a massive lump on my head. But the hospital staff made referrals to social services and the police. The police came within half an hour and even though i refused to give a statement they said they would be arresting him for an assault and have the powers to override my decision. He was arrested but I did not give a statement as I knew what he was capable of. He was an influential man whose reach went very far. My concern was he would come back and attack me and my child if I did anything. I quietly tried to walk away until he came knocking on the door asking for forgiveness, and claiming he has a mental disorder. Split personality Schizophrenia he told me and didn’t recall even hitting me. I listened quietly as he showed me his arms that were covered in self harm marks. We were now divorced religiously but he kept coming and crying at my door that he made a mistake and was remorseful. Deep down I knew he wasn’t remorseful and that it was all a game. Everything was lie, I had seen the evidence of his affair. Now it was just lie after lie and story after story. I had friends watching him from every angle. He was trying so hard to suck me into his vicious cycle where he could continue to use and abuse me and I realised this when his staff thought they could abuse me down the phone because he had given them the permission to do so and made out that I was his psycho ex that was abusing him and didn’t accept his mental illness. In between all this I had even approached a well known domestic abuse campaigner who he wanted to work alongside. He wanted to do a campaign on domestic abuse to raise awareness when all along behind closed doors he was the biggest abuser. I told her my story but he was so manipulative he lied and twisted the whole truth so beautifully in front of her, that today she works alongside him believing his twisted version of events and to gain more recognition through him on social media and he needed to use her for his selfish motives. Today he is happily living his life with his first wife and running a charity organization looking like a noble man whilst behind closed doors no one knows his true face and how he destroyed my life. I eventually managed to pull myself away and break all bonds from him. In years of this mans cleverly planned abuse I lost my identity, my self confidence, my health and so much more. Never did I see any remorse from this man, nor did he flinch knowing what he was doing and the damage he was causing. The worse part was the lies, the manipulative mind games, playing on my emotions and knowing exactly what to say and how to say it, to get his way because he knew how much I loved him. Now I look back and think how did I put up with so much. Abuse doesn’t have to be just physical. Everything I experienced was a vicious cycle of many forms of abuse that not only destroyed my life but left me broken and suicidal because I was hoping he will change. Now I realise I was dealing with a monster for years who was a manipulative, abusive womaniser undercover and only God knows how many other innocent lives he had destroyed with his lies and double lives. I am now in the process of applying for an injunction against him as he still harasses me 11months on. One wrong decision is enough to ruin your lives, I cant change whats happened but i can change the future by sharing my story and learning from my experiences and most importantly taking my power back from that monster by closing all his access routes to me permanently.

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